Archive for the ‘Pick-and-Pop’ Category

kobe-bryant-excited-about-a-basketball

Kobe Bryant doesn’t need a nickname. We all know this. With one of the most iconic and striking names in the business — the best in the whole league, in one writer’s opinion — and a style and resume that more than speaks for itself, a nickname for Kobe would never be anything but superfluous.

Still, these are unquestionably nicknamey times for Kobe — his play in the Lakers’ recent surge has been of such superlative quality that you can’t help but reach for absurd appellations when talking about him bringing his team back from 17 down in the fourth quarter, or hitting three absurd treys in the final minutes to send a game to overtime, then winning it with a dunk. At times like these, you just need to call him something other than Kobe Bean Bryant from time to time, if for no other reason than because you’re shouting his name so often in surprise, excitement and general awe (or possibly just frustration and fury) that you need some variety.

Kobe, as always, is prepared for this. He recently unleashed his proposal for his own new nickname on the world: “Vino,” with the unspoken implication being that like a fine wine, he just gets better with age. (The foreign translation is apparently needed, just because nicknaming someone “fine wine” or just “wine” would be untenable in its silliness.) Since then, he has pushed the nickname on his fanbase like Gretchen Wieners trying to make “Fetch” happen, with a series of postgame tweets hashtagging his new nickname in celebration (as in “#VinoUncorked,” “E=mc2 = #Vino,” and in a confusing hybrid, “#mambadrunkoffthatvino“) It’s all part of the brave new world of Oversharey Kobe, and we should probably just get used to it.

But is the nickname an acceptable one? Can we abide by his repeated self-promotional usage of it? Let’s stick our nose in the glass on this one and analyze its many tones.

Source of Inspiration. Just about any nickname can be sold to friends and family if there’s a good story behind its origin, one that reveals as much about the person and their character as the nickname itself does. With Kobe and “Vino,” however, all we have to go on is this:

Omg . My man just gave me a new nickname and I love it! Ha #vino

Aside from demonstrating what a general horrorshow it’s been since Kobe joined the Twitterverse (“Omg?”), this explanation gives precious little life to “Vino.” For a man whose game is all based on studied detail and nuance, he doesn’t do a whole lot of showing or telling here, giving us just the vague notion of his “man” (was it Chris Duhon? It was Chris Duhon, wasn’t it?) birthing the nickname out of thin air, and passing it along to Kobe for approval. Disappointing.Approval Rating: 1/5 Read the rest of this entry »

mike-bibby-draft

We knocked out the Playoff Bandwagon Rankings earlier this week, but any true NBA fan knows that come March there’s two races of near-equal importance going on at both poles of the standings — while the Haves are busy trying to make it in to the playoffs and/or secure various degrees of home-court advantage, the Have Nots are busy figuring out how much their fans really value meaningless wins, and if maybe they wouldn’t rather just see the team go in the tank for the next few months in the name of ping-pong balls. No season is ever truly lost if it ends with your team being one of the final three placards pulled out by David Stern in mid-June, and it’s something worth rooting for. Hence, the Lottery Bandwagon Rankings (LBRs).

How are these decided? Well, to quote lazily from my 2012 column, the factors are as follows: How desperately does the team need the franchise savior? How recently has the team won? If the answer is fairly recently, how dramatic and upsetting has their fall from grace been? How much of the team’s misfortune was due to bad personnel decisions, and how much of it can be chalked up to pure bad luck? How many high picks has the team received lately, and how wisely did they deploy them?

Of course, things are complicated a little this season by the fact that there’s no consensus number one pick, and there are probably some GMs out there secretly hoping to be drafting in the less-murky 6-10 range than in the top three, where the chance for disappointment is much greater. Still, we’re working under the assumption that all the teams below would, in fact, like a shot at the first overall pick this year, even if said pick ends up being pretty far from a Blake Griffin-type sure thing.

So, here’s my ranking of the lottery-worthiness of the 15 teams currently at risk of falling in the lottery — not counting the Bucks in the East, because they don’t really have any chance of dropping below eight, and not counting the Lakers out West, because I never include them in the PBRs and it seems unfair to only include them here. Good luck to all you degenerate lottery-ticket purchasers out there.

15. Sacramento Kings (Last Year: 14)

How many lottery picks does one team get before you have to just say “enough?” True, the Kings haven’t actually picked in the top three since 1990 (BILLY OWENS STAND UP) and thus have arguably missed out on a lot of legitimate franchise-changing talent over their many lottery-bound years, but that guy’s probably not to be found in this draft anyway. And in the meantime, what’s another high-upside player on this team of ill-fitting promise that might be completely upending seemingly any month? The Kings had a top five pick last year, and you saw what happened to that guy. In the words of Joey Knish, if I’m giving a pick to the Sacramento Kings, I’m wasting it. No thanks.

14. Detroit Pistons (Last Year: 15)

Joe Dumars maybe gets some credit for finding both Greg Monroe and Andre Drummond in the mid-lottery moray (though he also maybe loses some of it back for selecting Brandon Knight there too), so this might not really be a fair ranking for this team. But I want to see the Pistons go another offseason without handing out a silly, short-sighted contract — to a free agent, or to extend one of their own guys — before I’m willing to acknowledge this franchise as being worthy of lucking into another major asset. Ben McLemore shouldn’t have to suffer through playing on a team paying Jose Calderon $10 million a year for four years if he doesn’t have to.

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It’s a simple video. Around thirty seconds, like all the “Harlem Shake” variants, divided into the standard pre-and-post-break sections of about fifteen seconds each. Except instead of the video breaking from a single-person freakout (in this case, a gentleman wearing a helmet and a motorcycle helmet and a LeBron James Heat jersey) to a room full of Baauer spazzers, as traditionally happens in the meme, the operation is interrupted by Minnesota Timberwolves mascot Crunch the Wolf, who beats the initial Harlem Shaker with a plastic baseball bat. It’s an easy, relatively cheap joke, and one it’s a little surprising nobody has made up until now.

It’s also one of the best things to happen to the NBA in 2013.

When the Wolves released the video, first during their game against the Heat two nights ago at the Target Center, then to the internet the next morning (with a following tweet that read “You’re Welcome, Internet. #EndTheShake”), the NBA blog community (including TBJ, natch), was quick to name the video the best of the “Harlem Shake” iterations we’d seen, at least from NBA circles, thus far. They may have no idea just how right they all were. As basic a joke as the video was, it contains myriad details and implications that belie the video’s short run-time and single-line gimmick.

Let’s break down the reasons why:

1. Even before Crunch’s entrance, it’s an excellent parody of a “Harlem Shake” video.
Watching it for the first time, the Wolves’ “Harlem Shake” creates the same kind of anxiety that one of those Sears commercials with the fake movies and TV shows does before somebody invariably runs into a refrigerator. Which is to say, that something about it feels off, fake, fabricated, but it’s just plausible enough that you’re not entirely sure if you’re watching a parody or not until the twist occurs. The listless guy dancing in an empty assembly room, it seems very much like the setup to any number of legit “Harlem Shake” vids, but there’s a barely perceptible lag in energy to it — the guy’s just a little too limp in his movements, a little too behind the beat rhythmically. Something’s not right.

When Crunch enters with the baseball bat at the song’s break to lay the video to waste, it’s at once a shock and a relief. Like any decent twist ending, you don’t see it coming, but it still somehow explains everything.

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lebron-james-carmelo-anthony-showdown

With the notable exception of one high-profile team out west, there’s not a ton of drama to the playoff races as we come down the stretch of the 2012-13 season. Barring some act of God and/or Spencer Hawes, the eight teams in the East are as good as set, and though Portland and Dallas are still technically in the late time zone hunt, the chances aren’t great they’ll actually be a factor (and the guys have already locked that in on the pod, so that’s all I really need). Therefore, while we keep one eye on the progress of the Lakers, seeing whether their supposedly championship-contending roster can sneak their way into the eighth spot, the other eye can start to peer around the corner to see what teams will be worth following in the postseason.

Thus, for a third straight season now, the Playoff Bandwagon Rankings (PBRs). In case you’re new to the column, I’ll explain (and by explain I mean copy and paste from last year’s column, changing the necessary slang words to avoid potential anachronisms): This is my rankings of the 16 teams currently in the playoff race, in order of how worthy they are of your bandwagon affections over these climactic months of the NBA season. As in the last two years, this list does not include the Lakers or Heat, simply because I can not, will not think rationally about teams involving one or both of Kobe Bryant or LeBron James. (One of the many good reasons why I did not do an Olympic Bandwagon Rankings column last summer.)

Teams are ranked based on a variety of factors in highly unequal and imprecise percentages. These factors include, but are not limited to: How likely the team is to make the playoffs (optimally: very likely), how likely the team is to make a deep run (optimally: likely, but not so likely that they’re a foregone conclusion), how interesting the team is compared to past years’ incarnations, how many intriguing subplots surround the team, and how good a mixture they have of familiar, possibly friendly faces and fresher, newer names in the mix. General unpredictability is a huge boon in the PBRs, and straight-through staleness is a sure kiss of death. And this year especially, you’d also like them to at least have a puncher’s chance — or whatever the basketball equivalent is — of beating the Miami Heat.

So, before we get underway with an April that should mark the most interesting postseason since last year’s (at least!), let’s make an informed decision of who we’re all going to be rooting for, home/chosen team allegiances aside, ranked from least to most-bandwagonable. And for fans of the truly downtrodden franchises unrepresented here, fret not — the lottery bandwagon rankings are again just around the corner.

16. Washington Wizards (Last Year: N/A). OK, so obviously, this is a big ol’ red herring to start us off. The Wizards are 21 games under .500, 11 games out of the eighth seed, and have just about a 100 percent chance of counting ping-pong balls this summer. Still, every year there’s one team that makes you wish the season could be about 20 games longer, because they clearly seem like one of the eight best teams in their conference, but it just took a little too long for them to hit their groove. Obviously, the Wizards are such a team this year — I’ve already written about their League Pass bonafides at length, and with Bradley Beal playing like a Rookie of the Year candidate, the Wiz now have a potent Wall/Beal/Nene core that would make them a tough, entertaining out in the first round this year.

Who would you rather see the Heat crush in the first round this year: Milwaukee or Washington? We’ll touch on that a bit more at length later in the countdown, but regardless, it’s a real shame there’s no chance of seeing this team playing meaningful basketball this April. Here’s hoping they’re just a year away.

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chris-bosh-crazy-eyes-rebound

Chris Bosh doesn’t seem like that bad of a guy. Usually when a player invites general mockery to the level that Bosh has over his 10-year NBA career — the last four years a whole lot more than the first six — it’s either because they’re a showy, difficult, unlikeable player, or because they outright suck. Bosh definitely doesn’t outright suck. In fact, he very well might finish his career with double-digit All-Star appearances, 20,000 points, and who even knows how many championships, and is already a likely Hall of Famer. And really, unless you work for a Toronto cable company, you probably wouldn’t call him an asshole, or even all that arrogant or diva-ish.

Yet, when you hear that a rapper claimed he slept with an NBA player’s wife, and that everyone had a good laugh on it on Twitter for a couple of days … it probably doesn’t take you that many guesses to divine the NBA player in question. Bosh has gotten the worst of it from just about everyone — from rappers, from fellow players, from internet search engines, even from this very blog on a couple occasions. It’s not his fault — well, it’s not entirely his fault –but even after the 2012 championship gave him what should have been the final necessary line item on an unimpeachable hoops resume, Bosh remains the league’s preeminent walking punchline, a status unlikely to be bequeathed anytime soon.

Same as it ever was. Here’s a chronological look back on four years’ worth (before that, few seemed to care enough about CB4 to make the effort) of noteworthy call-outs, insults and occasionally funny jokes laid out at the expense of one Christopher Wesson Bosh. And remember: If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then high-exposure dissing is probably top 10.

March 2nd, 2009: Shaquille O’Neal, “The RuPaul of Big Men”

After an unlikely 45-point performance with the Suns against Bosh’s Raptors in late January — the last 40-plus scoring night of Shaq’s career — Bosh explained the outing away a bit by calling O’Neal out for “camping down in the lane … I thought [the three-second violation] was a rule, but I guess no.” Shaq, always handy with the nicknames, responded with the first memorable dis of Chris Bosh’s pro caereer: “That’s strong words coming from the RuPaul of big men.” Shaq didn’t elaborate — he rarely does — but the pejorative nickname had a certain panache to it, and stuck for at least a couple of months.

Bosh didn’t help matters much by being humorless about the back-and-forth, acting hurt but not firing back — “It wasn’t funny … I thought we were cool. Whatever” — establishing the precendent of Bosh being a soft target. It wasn’t the last shot Shaq Fu would take at Bosh, later referring to the Miami Heat as the “Big Two,” though by December of last year, he had basically dropped the beef, saying “He’s a fabulous player, and he came back after missing a couple of weeks last year and actually helped the Heat win.” Of course, the compliment was at least a marginally backhanded one, as he still took a shot at Bosh’s lack of physicality.

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blake-griffin-bench-pressing

If you’ve watched any amount of NBA in the last few months, chances are pretty good that in between game action, you’ve seen a whole lot of one very tall man in a red tracksuit traveling back in time to give younger versions of himself some valuable career and fashion advice, set to period pop hits of the time. That very tall man is of course All-Star Clippers forward Blake Griffin, and the context is the recent KIA series featuring Blake “time traveling” in his Kia Optima to ride mechanical convenience store steeds and make fun of jean shorts. The campaign has turned into a favorite for many an NBA fan, due to its absurd humor, impressive eye for detail, and above all else, Blake’s bone-dry sense of humor and impeccable comedic timing.

The man most responsible for the ads is probably Colin Jeffery, Executive Creative Director of the David & Goliath agency, behind not only this Blake campaign, but also the “UVO, Play Funk” Blake ads you might remember from last season, and such other campaigns like the “This or That” Kia Soul ads with the hamsters set to Black Sheep’s “The Choice is Yours.” But the time travel campaign might be Jeffery’s greatest work, and certainly one of the most creative and legitimately funny ad campagins of recent years.

I talked with Jeffery for a bit to ask him some questions I had about some of the ads’ finer points, to satisfy my own curiosity, if nothing else. (And check out Kevin Arnovitz’s fine article on the campaign on the TrueHoop network for a look at some of the commercial’s more technical aspects.)

TBJ: So what was the genesis moment for the ads? How did the time travel idea come about?

Jeffery: Well, this is obviously the second campaign we worked on, with Kia Optima teaming up with Blake Griffin. We really worked off the same strategy for both. When Kia signed Blake Griffin, the idea was that he’s this kind of new-age sportsman, he’s got this kind of Challenger vibe to him. He kind of burst onto the scene. He handles himself very differently [than other players] both on and off the courts. He’s kind of this clean-cut guy, with Oklahoma roots … and his game, he’s got this flair and energy to his game, and Kia sees themselves as similar — exploded onto the scene, had a rapid growth rate. From the outset, we saw this as an opportunity to do things differently with these two brands, since they both do things differently.

The genesis comes from strategy “Not your average mid-size sedan, not your average spokesman.” We challenged ourselves creatively and internally to come up with a spokesman that doesn’t feel like your classic spokesman’s work. Usually with spokesmen, it’s a tenuous link back to the product, but in this case, they fit quite well, actually, They’re both kinda young, new brands.

The idea came about … we spent a lot of time with Blake, we’d kind of sit down and throw around ideas with him, see what resonates with him. He talks a lot about his childhood — he’s very close to his brother, and they were quite competitive as kids. He talks fondly of his childhood, and we kinda got into that a bit. He has a lot of regrets, and one of them, he said “Yeah, I wore jean shorts a lot! I really regret it! If I could go back…’” And then we talked about the gym he and his brother used to work out in together, I kinda jotted that one down, and then the scripts just kinda came along from there. It just seemed like an unexpected way to use the spokesman, to go back in time, and creatively there was a lot we could do with that.

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michael-jordan-charles-barkley-david-balk

You might have heard that Michael Jordan turned 50 over the weekend. Chances are pretty good that you did, considering that just about everyone over the age of 25 that’s semi-qualified to talk about basketball has turned the last week or so into an all-out blitz of Michael remembrance in honor of the milestone. Sports Illustrated, Bleacher Report and Ball Don’t Lie all did separate countdowns of his Top 50 moments, ESPN the Magazine published the first truly interesting feature story on Jordan in lord knows how long, and just about everyone involved with All-Star Weekend had to offer up some sort of commentary on MJ’s greatness before they were allowed out of Houston. This makes sense, since when you’re the greatest person to ever do something, people will use just about any excuse to talk about how great you were. Turning 50 is about as good a reason as any.

The undercard of the MJ at 50 main event, however, has been another player from the 1984 draft class also hitting the half-century mark — Jordan’s good friend Charles Barkley, who turns the big 5-0 today. Despite playing for about as long as Jordan and enjoying a Hall of Fame career of his own, you won’t find too many countdowns of Sir Charles’ top 50 career moments, and if you did, they’d probably be filled with ambivalence-inspiring moments like his “I Am Not a Role Model” commercials and the time he threw a basketball at Shaq’s head. However, Barkley did get at least one tribute in honor of his 50th, the “Sir Charles at 50″ special that aired after All-Star Saturday on TNT, and again Monday night on NBA TV, just a couple hours after MJ’s own tribute, a “One on One With Ahmad Rashad” interview, aired on the same channel.

I watched both of these specials, and the contrast between the two was a stark one, both in how they treated the players’ respective careers, and in how they looked at their lives and legacies in the years since their retirements. By just about every conceivable estimation, Jordan had the better career of the two. He won more championships, scored more points, made more All-Star Games, sold more jerseys, influenced more facets of the game (and players who followed), and provided more unforgettable moments — enough so that making a Top 50 list of them doesn’t seem all that ridiculous, or even all that challenging. But a decade after both have retired, if you’re asking who seems happier, whose legacy feels more secure, who seems better-liked by fans and peers, whose life just seems … better, for lack of a better word, the answer is clearly Barkley.

As fun as it was to relive the great moments of MJ’s career in “One on One” — and most NBA fans, even those like myself who weren’t really around for them, can recite a timeline of them from memory, going from his game-winner in the NCAA Championship up to The Shot and the first and second Threepeats — it was, to quote Ferris Bueller, a lot like you were touring a museum, very cold and untouchable. No real insight was gleaned or emotional breakthroughs made, and Jordan seemed like Jordan always does: self-assured, but anxious and guarded, friendly, but not quite comfortable or trusting. He was not asked any particularly tough questions, and he did not give any particularly controversial answers.

In fact, the interview was a decidedly soft-pedaling one. Here’s a brief list of proper names not mentioned once over the course of the special: Jerry Krause, Bill Cartwright, Toni Kukoc, the Washington Wizards, Kwame Brown and Adam Morrison. MJ’s failure-marked Bobcats years are only alluded to in the context of whether or not he plans on attempting a third comeback as a player (he says he doesn’t), and his notorious, often borderline-sociopathic competitive streak is written off as MJ Being MJ, just another side effect of his drive to greatness (down to clips of Jordan’s infamously bitter Hall of Fame speech being treated as a lark, Michael “telling it like it is,” with a playful, Thomas Newman-like score being played underneath footage of him calling out his longtime rivals). It was a Greatest Hits package dressed up as an honest retrospective, and you get the feeling Jordan wouldn’t have had it any other way.

Sir Charles at 50″ was not nearly so reverential. In fact, in the first five minutes of the special, Barkley gets called fat by someone from his hometown, his mom talks about spanking him, and Ernie Johnson asks him some tough questions about his dad being absent most of his youth. The overly familiar, borderline-mocking tone is present for much of the special, even in the celebrity tributes. While MJ’s special features the next generation of stars (CP3, KD, LeBron) paying tribute to his basketball greatness (though most hadn’t even been born yet when he was drafted in ’84), Barkley’s features his celebrity peers, as well as NBA players past and present, wishing him a happy birthday mostly by making jokes at his expense. Though less glowing, it feels much more honest.

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