Archive for the ‘Shaquille O’Neal’ Category

shaq-and-dale-earnhardt

During his playing days, which were a lot more recent than you remember, Shaquille O’Neal was notorious for playing himself in to shape. Whether it be due to an offseason surgery he scheduled way too late, some sort of injury setback that required on-the-job rehab or just pure laziness, Shaqueezy would play significant portions of numerous NBA seasons below peak conditioning while getting ready for the playoffs where it “really mattered.” This is pretty much the biggest knock against Shaq, just ahead of the fact that he never won a rebounding title despite being as big as a dumpster.

Turns out he should have just spent his summers driving NASCAR cars, because that’s apparently the toughest thing he’s ever done. From a NASCAR.com interview, as transcribed by From the Marbles:

In an interview with NASCAR.com, O’Neal recalled the time in 2010 when he raced Dale Earnhardt Jr. for the reality show “Shaq Vs.” And O’Neal came away impressed:

“Whoever said these guys aren’t athletes are out of their minds,” he said. “That was the toughest three hours I’ve ever had in my life. I was fitted for a car, me and Dale raced 50 laps, and I slept for two days after that. I really did.”

It wasn’t just the heat and the confined space. “I was terrified,” O’Neal continued. “I don’t really get scared by a lot of stuff, but I was freaking terrified. You definitely have to be in great shape to do this.”

Oh, and one other element: “You’ve got to be small. I don’t think a big guy like me would really survive out on the track. You’ve got to be smaller.”

You see, this would be a perfect offseason training regimen. Three hours of driving is way more efficient than, like, 50 squats or whatever. Just hop in a super-fast car that is hard to control, drive in circles for an afternoon, then sleep for two days — next thing you know, you’re in perfect basketball shape (I am assuming). I mean, if a 15-time All-Star with four titles is saying it’s a tough workout, you know it must be true. Shaquille O’Neal is definitely the one to trust on this. He’s played in Game 7s.

Or if you are feeling less generous — Shaquille O’Neal, a professional basketball player who was often criticized for being out of shape, says driving a car was the hardest three hours of his life. Oh, and he drove the car while he was still playing, but was still knocked out for two days after the driving. Choose your own adventure.

shaq-aristotle-quote

This is from the June issue of Reader’s Digest, which I think you can find in that wicker basket next to your grandma’s chair.

shaq-quote-correction

And this is from the August issue of Reader’s Digest, which your grandmother is reading right now.

Put those two things together and you’ve got a classic philosopher mix-up. Steve Aschburner of NBA.com explains:

In its June issue, a quote attributed to O’Neal (“Excellence is not a singular act, but a habit. You are what you repeatedly do”) ran next to a slick illustration of the big fella. It’s been out there, associated with O’Neal, for more than a dozen years. In fact, it was the source of the “Big Aristotle” moniker in the first place. “[That] was coined the day I won the MVP [in 2000],” O’Neal long ago explained. “I stole a quote from that Greek philosopher cat.”

Actually, O’Neal flipped around the phrases in Aristotle’s original deep thought, but hey, close enough.

The editors at the Digest never got the memo. But some readers did notice. Eventually, so did media watchdog Jim Romenesko, the proprietor of his eponymous and much-visited Web site. By that time at least, Reader’s Digest had come clean after learning of the confusion.

You know, just one of those accidental screw-ups where you take the famous words of one of history’s most well-known philosophers, then attribute them to a basketball player with a knack for quotes. It’s happened to all of us, like that time when Sports Illustrated ran that cover of JaVale McGee climbing to the top of a mountain accompanied by his quote, “I think therefore I am.” It’s an easy mistake to make.

Then again, if Shaq is going to be mistaken for for any of his various nickname identities, “The Big Aristotle” is probably the most flattering. Well, unless he can somehow get a real black belt out of being called “Shaq Fu.” A black belt trumps pretty much anything.

soda-shaq

And here are some potential product slogans to ensure quality sales numbers.

  • Finally, an answer to “Tell me how my ass taste.”
  • Shaq’s big, so is this.
  • For when you really need to be out of shape to start the season.
  • Definitely not the stuff they used to see how much pop could fit in one of Shaq’s shoes all those years ago.
  • Goes great with Shaquille O’Neal vodka while wearing Shaquille O’Neal jewelry and watching a Shaquille O’Neal movie at a Shaquille O’Neal movie theater.
  • Three out of four Shaqs agree — this is a soda worth smiling about.
  • Shaquille O’Neal says it tastes great and he’s never told a lie.

Feel free to add yours in the comments. Feel free to tell me how any of these tastes. Feel free to live your life, maaaaan.

(via Darren Rovell)

Shaquille O’Neal’s ringtone isn’t the Superman theme song? My whole world is shattered.

I know it’s only April, but this feels like our first summer jam of the year. Bump this in your truck.

This is one of those dream pairings that you dream about — the two most well-known sports media superstars of our generation meeting up with our generation’s two most accomplished movie stars and just LIFTING WEIGHTS and GETTING SWOLL. This is like “The Avengers” got the “Fast and Furious” franchise pregnant while “Shooter” was fooling around with “Monday Night Raw,” then those two super babies had their own baby and raised it as an NBA fan.

I literally didn’t leave the house this morning to see the end of this. Trust me, it was worth it.

kobe-bryant-single-art

I don’t want to spoil the entire thing for anyone, but there is a must-read piece about Kobe Bryant’s ill-fated rap career on Grantland that you must read. But before you do that, let’s enjoy what may be the two funniest parts of the thing, just because you can imagine the respective mouths that said these things.

First, here’s Kobe Bryant doing what he does best — scolding a teammate for failing during a competition.

After a few rounds, Broady ran out of lyrics and the sparring session wound down. Kobe then chided his teammate. “Yo, you got to be in lyrical fitness, man,” Bryant told Broady, referencing a well-known lyric by the rapper Canibus.

I know the internet uses LOL when anything is even the least bit funny, but I legitimately L’d out L when I read this. Kobe Bryant has always been Kobe Bryant, I guess, even when he was trying to be a rapper. Too good.

Now it’s the Shaq portion of the post, and as you might expect, Shaq talking about rap is actually Shaq rapping about Kobe rapping.

Shaq also took shots at Kobe in 2001. “I’m at All-Star Weekend in D.C. and I ran into Shaq,” Rick Nice says. “He’s wearing a white fur and we’re in the VIP section in the hotel. I am trapped in the corner. He has a radio with CDs and he’s playing the beats and he’s rhyming, freestyling, making s–t up off the top of his head. ‘Something something and I can’t stand Kobe / Something something and I rap better than Kobe / Something something I flip skills better than Kobe / I score more than Kobe.’

After a while, I’m looking at him like, ‘Why are you going so hard at Kobe with these rhymes?’ I didn’t know what to feel. It felt weird. I’m trying to flirt with girls and Shaq had me in a headlock rhyming about Kobe. He said, ‘I got bars. I got bars for Kobe.’ He had this radio that looked little in his hand. He had beat CDs and was changing the CDs and rapping and wouldn’t let you leave until you heard his rap. I was like, ‘Wow, OK.’”

If you’re not already doing it, please imagine Shaquille O’Neal, chilling in a hotel bar while wearing a white fur coat with a tiny portable CD player in his hand, forcing people to listen to him rap about how much better of a rapper he is than another basketball player, who just so happens to be his teammate and archnemesis. This is quite possibly the least hip-hop/most Shaquille O’Neal thing that has ever happened.

So yes, read the whole thing, especially if you want to have your mind blown by people sincerely praising Kobe Bryant’s skills on the mic. But also read it for people laughing about Kobe Bryant’s skills on the mic. It’s the best of both worlds.