Archive for the ‘Stern Says’ Category

First and foremost, let’s give the NBA a big ol’ round of applause for deciding that David Stern’s last-ever draft would be one of the craziest drafts in recent memories. While we might not have had a ton of foreign names for El Sterno to pronounce, everything else was sufficiently wacky to honor Stern’s big night.

And holy smokes did he revel in it. I’ve collected what I think is every important clip involving Stern from last night. Considering he was playing to the crowd the entire evening, there are a lot. The one up top is from before the Cavs made the very first pick of the draft, and judging by the way Stern was hamming it up, you could tell it was going to be a fun night.

It took all of zero picks for him to antagonize the crowd.

And then he kept doing it, literally asking for more boos.

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david-stern-new-haircut

This is David Stern at LeBron James’ MVP trophy presentation last night.

david-stern-old-haircut

And this is David Stern usually.

Either he has been so busy with the playoffs that he hasn’t had a chance to stop by the salon, has a “Mad Men” cameo in the next few weeks or is just going through something right now and wants to try something new. No matter the explanation, pretty slick look. Literally.

David Stern has a well-documented history of busting out menacing phrases to make his point, with his promise of “substantial sanctions” upon Gregg Popovich and the Spurs being the most recent example. Stern doesn’t just blurt these out of the blue, though. He’s working down a list, and we’ve gained exclusive access to said list, and transcribed it for easy perusal. Take a gander:

MENACING PHRASES TO USE WHEN I AM MAD
By David

  • Enormous consequences.
  • Substantial sanctions.
  • Massive ramifications.
  • Humongous damages.
  • Gargantuan penalties.
  • Elephantine punishments.
  • Big troubles.
  • “Big Trouble,” but the Tim Allen movie, not the Dave Barry novel on which it’s based.
  • Things that are seriously very, very bad.
  • So much yelling.
  • How much money do you have? Give it.
  • A series of strongly-worded letters.
  • Misspelled surnames on all your jerseys.
  • Solid metal ping-pong balls at the draft lottery.
  • No more home games.
  • No more home games and everybody but you gets jetpacks.
  • New dress code: chainmail only.
  • Back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-backs.
  • Everybody gets express written consent to re-broadcast and reproduce your broadcasts.
  • Distractible mop guys.
  • Only referees who have previously been mugged in your home city.
  • Pussycat Dolls.
  • Muppet fur in your lotion.
  • Guess what? You just signed Larry Hughes.
  • First 18,000 fans in attendance get a complimentary gong.
  • Ankles are now forbidden. No more ankles.
  • Slimy basketballs.
  • Moron Mountain is a real place. Just saying.
  • Droves of syphilitic hares.
  • A plate filled with what you think are delicious cookies but actually it’s just a picture of delicious cookies.
  • Boils.

Feel free to give David a hand with some more menacing phrases in the comments below.

 

NEW YORK — In a move sure to delight basketball fans around the globe, the schedule for the 2012-13 season was released Thursday night. Following strict orders from the league office and commissioner David Stern, each and every NBA team was given exactly 82 games. “After last year’s shortened season, some people might have forgot,” said Stern, “but this is literally how we always do it. 82 games per team, per season. Even for the Bobcats.”

Perhaps most unsurprising is the nature of the games, which will see the league’s most noteworthy teams playing games on the season’s most important days. That includes Opening Night games for the Miami Heat and Los Angeles Lakers as well as Christmas Day games for the Miami Heat and Los Angeles Lakers.

Additionally, each team’s schedule will follow the same structure, with the teams playing most teams in their conference four times and each team in the opposing conference just twice. Deputy commissioner Adam Silver told reporters, “Yep, that’s how we do it every season. People should have been expecting this. It’s not a big deal.”

As expected, the league scheduled more nationally televised games for teams with larger fan bases. Shocking no one, the New York Knicks, Oklahoma City Thunder and Miami Heat tallied the most of these marquee games with 25 each. According to Stern, “We always give newsworthy teams more games on national TV because that’s how TV works.” Furthermore, there are indeed games on the schedule that will feature matchups between storied rivals, pit last season’s playoff teams against each other and showcase the return of since-departed players to their former teams.

Reached for comment, more than 550 bloggers tweeted links to their “10 Must-See Games of the Season.”

Here are a couple of random David Stern getting booed moments I pulled off the internet and stitched together, just so we can all appreciate how strong David Stern’s troll game was last night. If you didn’t think he made the heel turn during the lockout, this should pretty much seal the deal.

David Stern

With the announcement of their 2011-12 schedule, the NBA released a letter from commissioner David Stern that aims to win back support from disgruntled fans. It’s a perfunctory public relations move, but nothing Stern says should ever be taken at face value. There’s a hidden message or motivation in every Stern missive. Lucky for you, I have a B.S. in Subliminal Messaging from DeVry Institute of Technology, so I was quickly able to parse his intended message and translate his hidden feelings to you. You’re welcome.

“On behalf of the entire NBA family, I want to thank you for your patience and support over the past several months.”

(You should really be thanking us for enduring months of complaints from these self-entitled players. The real reason Dwyane Wade got so angry with me was that he could only afford to have an orgy every other week.)

“The new collective bargaining agreement is designed to provide more competitive balance for our league, reward strong performances by our players, and strengthen our game by improving its economics.”

(I’m counting on the fact that you’ll forget about the “competitive balance” part when Chris Paul is a Knick and Dwight Howard is a Laker in a few months.)

“We believe this agreement will benefit our teams, players, and most importantly, fans by making the NBA stronger.”

(This sentence had to be in writing because even I couldn’t say this with a straight face.)

“In the days and weeks ahead, all of us hope you will enjoy the run-up to the start of the season: free agency, training camp, and preseason games.”

(Don’t blink or you’ll miss ‘em.)

“Each NBA team will be hosting special events for fans, so be sure to check your favorite team’s website, Facebook page, or Twitter feed for details.”

(I can’t wait until I retire so I don’t have to pretend to care about this Twitterface bullshit.)

“This season we look forward to bringing you more of everything you love about NBA basketball: incredible competition, tremendous excitement, and unending hard work and dedication by the world’s best athletes.”

(Replace “world’s best athletes” with “Kobe Bryant” and this statement takes on an air of truthiness.)

“Thank you for being an NBA fan.  I hope you enjoy the season, which promises to be a most exciting one.”

(There is only one true promise I will ever make, and that’s the one I make into my mirror every morning: “The only person who will end my reign is me. Haters, leave it alone. Don’t throw rocks at the throne.”)

Every ball fan
Down in Fan-ville
Liked Christmas a lot …

But The Commish,
Who lived in New York,
Absolutely did not!

The Commish hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don’t ask why — could be religious reasons.
It could also be that his head wasn’t screwed on tight.
It could be, perhaps, that he just likes a fight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that he hated NBA basketball.

But,
Whatever the reason,
His head or his plans,
He took quite the delight in disappointing the Fans.
Staring down from his mansion with a smug, old man smirk
At the Fans he would ultimately make go berserk
For he knew every Fan down in Fan-ville, you see
Was still anticipating Christmas ball on TV.

“And they’re setting their TiVos!” he snarled with a sneer.
“Soon it’ll be Christmas, and a triple-header is near!
Then he growled, and devilishly rubbed his hands,
“I must find a way to ruin Christmas for Fans!”
For, on Christmas, he knew …

… All the Fan girls and boys
Would wake up bright and early. They’d rush for their toys!
And then! Oh, the games! Oh, the games! C’s! Knicks! Next!
That’s one thing he hated! GAMES! It left him quite vexed!

Then the Fans, young and old, would watch game two.
And they’d cheer! And they’d boo!
The Finals rematch was due!
Dirk would drop 40; LeBron a fourth quarter poo
Which was something The Commish hated to see ‘Bron do!

And THEN
They’d do something he liked least of all!
Every Fan down in Fan-ville, the tall and the small,
Would sit close together, with great satisfaction.
And finish the Christmas Day three-game action!

It’s Rose! And it’s Kobe!
Yes, the Fans can agree,
That the Lakers and Bulls are must-watch TV!
And the more Commish thought of the joy players bring
The more Commish thought, “I must stop this whole thing!

“Why for thirteen years I’ve put up with it now!
I MUST stop Christmas Day ball!
… But HOW?”

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
THE COMMISH
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

“I know just what to do!” He laughed with a shout.
“Screw the Fans, fuck the players … I’LL LOCK ‘EM ALL OUT!”