Real emails from my real mom thanks to our worlds colliding…
Date: May 5, 2013 8:13 PM
Subject: Jason Collins
Jason was talking about how he wanted to stay private in his private life, and Oprah said, “Yes, but can you imagine the first time you step out with a partner now? You think you can keep that a secret with your 7 foot self?” Jason laughed and said, “I’m gonna try.” And they chortled.
Date: May 5, 2013 8:27 PM
Subject: interesting to watch, but nothing to report at all. No content.
Date: May 5, 2013 8:33 PM
Subject: he seems like a heck of a nice guy No content.
(Mom note: Trey, can you make the title so it reads like “pissed and moaned?”) (Ed. note: Sure.)
Yeah, that’s right they cried like babies, but what do you expect for a “young” team? Who cares though? I got to go to a basketball game and sit on the floor. Literally. As a photographer!
I went with my dude, T.J., the Detroit photojournalist. We entered The Palace, and before I could curtsy, my prince (no, not Tayshaun) handed me a REAL camera and gave me one single instruction — “Just point and shoot.” So I did.
Of course, T.J. had no idea how amusing this directive could be, but I did. Since I was quite confident my pictures wouldn’t run in any newspapers, I figured I’d take a few shots that at least my Trey-Trey would appreciate.
My first shot was not so great. A little embarrassing, but then I realized this could be a lot of fun.
Metta World Ron was eliminated from “Dancing with the Stars” last night, meaning this is the last you’ll hear from my mom. At least until Ray Allen wins season 18 in 2014.
I knew the DWTS Ron Artest posts would be short-lived, but one week? Not that it was the wrong choice, America, but really?
At least Metta was honest with the judges tonight. He admitted to his lack of focus during the dance. Why? Because, in his words, “I knew I was gonna, like, smack Peta’s booty, and I was just waitin’ for that part the whole time.” I suppose looking forward to smacking someone’s bum-bum would be enough to cause one to get off course, but is that what really caused Metta to be booted off?
I think not. The issues run deeper. Much deeper.
With the NBA lockout, it’s apparent that Ron has completely lost his identity. The name change should have been a tip-off that something was out of whack. And his, what seemed to be, dissociative identity displayed during his DWTS performance reinforced that hunch.
Metta: If you’re reading this, and I’m sure you are, maybe this motherly advice will help as you continue your journey in search of the real you.
You’re not Michael Jordan. So leave your tongue in your mouth. Only Michael can look cool with his tongue sticking out.
I know wearing the Billie Jean hat was a lot of fun for you, but I lost track of how many times you touched it somewhere between the numbers 15 and 70. If you’re going to go for the Michael Jackson look, just be cool, baby. Just be cool.
Don’t look so much like a creep. The world already has one Dennis Rodman, and even sometimes that’s too much.
Hitting on Nancy Grace was unsettling. Admittedly, for a quick second, I was wishing I was Nancy Grace. But your idea of clubbing with her and that being “dope” just makes you look, well … you know.
I’m stating the obvious here, but you are not a dancer. Leave the dancing to the men that are good at it. Chaz Bono, for instance. Now he’s a dancer. You, my friend, are a basketball player.
And finally, the best advice I can give you, my sweet Metta, is this: Go back to being Ron Artest. Literally. And until the lockout is over, if you ever want to take a mother clubbing, then look me up.
Now, to my own son:
I know there’s probably not much demand for me to keep writing about DWTS for TBJ. Especially in a season where Ricki Lake is the pretty one, Carson Kressley wishes his dance partner was Maksim Chmerkovskiy and, Pee Wee Herman is critiquing the dancers (heh-heh).
So with a tear in my eye, I say good-bye to “The Mom Report.” At least for now. But if you get a flood of requests for Chaz updates, just let me know. My DVR is set just in case.
I love and miss you Trey-Trey!
Goodbye, The Mom Report. It was fun while it lasted. Love you back.
Last night, Ron Artest Metta World Peace danced his first dance on “Dancing with the Stars.” He danced the cha-cha-cha and my mom watched it. Here’s what she thought.
So I watched the “Dancing with the Stars” season premiere tonight. I know you’re not a fan, so I’ll explain. At the beginning of every show, the professional dancers and stars saunter down a huge flight of stairs. The first star was unrecognizable, walking bent-kneed all the way down. Thought maybe it was the token 80 year-old star, but I knew it couldn’t be Buzz Aldridge (ed. note: close enough) again. And it wasn’t Betty White, although the hair color was similar.
Then the announcement: Something World Peace.
Wha-a-at happened? As he got closer, I realized Ron Artest was no longer Ron Artest. He was Dennis Rodman, or at least he looked like him. And I don’t mean that in a good way.
Next, his bio clip. He gave a little background as to why he’s doing DWTS (noble reasons). And then he broke out into a little robot action, which you know I liked. He said, “I want to make a statement on the dance floor.”
Then I watched him on the dance floor and I wanted to make a statement: STOP THE NBA LOCKOUT!!!
Hakuna Matata World Peace should not be dancing. He should be playing basketball. And he should go back to being Ron Artest. Yeah, he may be fun to watch on the basketball court, but watching him on the dance floor was just plain awkward. Not as awkward as having to watch Chaz Bono (still can’t quite shake that image from my head), but awkward nonetheless.
With Ronnie at the bottom of the leader board with 14 points, my guess is that these weekly posts will be short-lived. But then again, a major transformation could take place. Just ask Chastity Chaz Bono.
At 12:56 am, my mom texted me to let me know that Ron Artest was going to be on “Dancing with the Stars,” even though that story had broken about 12 hours earlier. But with news this important, you have to share it immediately, especially if your son happens to run a prestigious blog. I’m not mad at her.
In fact, because she’s so excited that her obsessive reality dance television viewing habits and my basketball fandom have overlapped, I asked her to give me the scouting report on her favorite competition.
Trey-Trey, Guess what?! Ron Artest is going to be on “Dancing with the Stars.” I recognized his name from your posts. So if he’s on, does that mean the lockout is permanent or is he an ex-NBAer?
From the looks of him, he’s very large and very smiley, but looks way too gangly to go very far … except he is up against Chaz Bono, so I’m guessing Ron will make it farther than Cher’s offspring.
Aren’t you proud of me for recognizing his name?
All of that makes sense to me, and I’m very proud of her for recognizing his name, especially considering she’s called Allen Iverson “Iver Anderson” for years. Progress.
I’m really looking forward to Ron on this show, mostly so I can enjoy my mom trying to explain him to me. That’s impossible for someone who’s followed him for years, so I can’t wait to see what someone who’s watching him for the first time thinks. Ron Artest is on the verge of becoming a household name, and that’s very exciting. The fact that he’ll probably be calling himself Metta World Peace by then is even better.
And yes, my mom calls me Trey-Trey sometimes. Laugh it up.