Archive for the ‘Washington Wizards’ Category


There isn’t much to add here that Tamica C, the woman who snapped this picture of a guy doing his taxes at the last possible minute while taking in last night’s Nets win over the Wizards, hasn’t said already.

this man filing his taxes at the Nets v. Wizards game #cantmakethisstuffup

#Cantmakethisstuffup is right, but I guess the only thing worse than paying for Nets-Wizards tickets in April is paying for Nets-Wizards tickets in April while also having to pay late fees on your taxes. And with that being said, let’s enjoy a quick round of naming players after various tax terms:

  • Internal Revenue Serge Ibaka
  • Itemized Deducshawn Marion
  • Employment Expencer Hawes
  • Worksheed Wallace
  • Festus 1040EZeli

Just five names. Not a big deal. Feel free to carry on in the comments.

(via D.C. Sports Bog)


Getting paid millions of dollars to play basketball is cool, but you know what’s even cooler? No, not a billion dollars, Justin Timberlake — perks. Perks are what is cool about basketball. Whether it be free shoes, all the sweatpants you could ever want or access to a swimming pool pretty much any time you ever want to take a dip, it’s all good baby bay-bay. Perks are where it’s at.

But here’s a perk I’ve never really considered: gum. Gum is good to chew, inexpensive and pretty easily obtained, but it’s still better if you get it for free. And if you’re the Washington Wizards, not only do you have all the free gum in the world, you also have the best selection in the league. It’s a win-win re: gum. From D.C. Sports Bog’s Sarah Kogum:

“I like the fact that they have Strawberry and Grape Bubblicious,” said a smiling Temple. “I hadn’t seen Bubblicious in a while, so when I got here, I was like wow. Bubblicious? So I had to chew some. I don’t see locker rooms have Bubblicious. Usually they have Juicy Fruit and Wrigley’s. The Dentyne and stuff like that. But they have everything here.”

You know how it is — you finally see a rare gum in the wild and you just have to give it a chew. Been there, most recently with some Dr. Pepper Hubba Bubba that is just as good as you’re imagining. Shoutout to all the gums in the whole wide world, even that Bazooka garbage that turns in to sticky gum nuggets within seconds after entering your mouth.

About now you’re probably wondering why the Wizards have so much gum. That’s understandable, since it feels like we’re diving in to a whole new world with this expose (expoxanthan?) on the NBA’s gum trade. Fair enough, though you won’t be surprised to find out the main reason behind the gum overload is the main reason behind a lot of things in today’s NBA: Michael Jordan.

“The GOAT, the greatest to ever do it, chewed gum, so I think it’s spurred basketball players chewing gum,” Garrett Temple told me. “[Michael Jordan] used to always have gum in his mouth, chewing it while we was waiting for free throws or something like that. They’d always show that. That’s the reason I always tried to chew gum, but I got to the point where I found myself losing my breath quicker when I’d run up and down the court having to chew gum also.”

Cartier Martin also offered the Jordan explanation.

“I think a lot of guys did start chewing gum because of Jordan, and watching him,” he said. “And it just became a habit for other guys. Now it’s just kind of a trending thing in the league.”

Dag, been there too, and maybe you have too since I’m not the only one who tried to perfect MJ’s circular horse-chewing gum steez. I mean, if Bill Wennington tried it, I’m sure everyone else did too. And even though I consider myself a generally coordinated person who can handle playing basketball whilst chewing on a spearmint stick, I have to agree with Garrett Temple that chomping on some gum can really throw you off. Maybe I’m crazy but it just feels a bit weird to be running and chewing, maybe because I’ve never been a fan of eating on the go.

But now that we know the Wizards have the gum game on lock, we need a full investigation in to each team’s gum situation and how/if it affects their free agent recruiting. I’m guessing there’s no LeBron’s Lightning Lemonade in the Cavaliers’ locker room, but maybe it’ll be there in the summer of 2014. Or maybe not. All I’m saying is, we need to know.

On Easter Sunday, Barack Obama invited the Washington Wizards over to his White House to look for Easter Eggs and shoot some hoops. Obeezy then proceeded to go a positively Wizardian 2-22 from the field. Considering the Wiz are the second-worst shooting team in the NBA, they know all about missing shots, which is why their quotes on Obama’s horrible shots are almost required reading.

First John Wall, from the Washington Post:

“I told him ‘I’m on a hot stretch this month,’ ” Wall said. “I said you was shooting like I was shooting the first month I came back. He kept saying I’m going to leave for like five minutes, 10 minutes. He didn’t leave until he made one.”

You know you’ve missed a lot of shots when John Wall is zinging you about missing shots. Even if Wall did shoot 48 percent in March, having him diss your shot is like JaVale McGee telling you that you’ve made a few too many stupid basketball plays or DeMarcus Cousins telling you to chill out or some other basketball analogies. You get the point.

Luckily for Barack, Emeka Okafor had his back (that was shirted, which may have been the problem).

Okafor, who stood calmly with his arm behind his back, cut the president some slack based on his wardrobe and weather. “He missed more than he made, but it was cold,” Okafor said. “He had some casual shoes on, a long sleeve shirt and some khakis, so he wasn’t really in his proper attire to get in game mode.”

He’s right — it’s impossible to shoot in khakis and long sleeves. So don’t try anything crazy, Golden State Warriors. Not to mention, he wasn’t wearing his custom Brandon Jennings shoes, which certainly distracted him feet-wise and caused him to miss all of those shots.

These are all very good excuses for missing 20 out of 22 shots, which is why I’m expecting Emeka Okafor to be offered a cabinet position sometime soon. He does have a degree in finance, after all. Between that and being super quick with the excuses, he’s certainly got a future in politics.

["NBA is Fannnn-tastic" joke.]

Get your mind out of the gutter, creepo. This isn’t some sort of weird sex thing or torture mechanism or anything unbecoming, it’s just a set of rules and regulations for which people are allowed to celebrate a dunk and when they can do it. I’ll let Martell Webster explain, courtesy of D.C. Sports Bog’s transcription of a Courtside Report interview.

“‘Unveiling the Wizard isn’t my move,” he told Jumoke Davis. “It’s a move I made up, but it’s for all of us to use and for all of us to utilize. You do it after a dunk, after a power dunk, and you can Unveil the Wizard.”

Pretty simple. But this quick tip sheet will make things even more clear.


Non-Wizard? Sorry, no unveiling. Can’t power dunk? Too bad. Don’t know what Unveiling the Wizard really is? Well, that I can actually help with.

Read the rest of this entry »


One year ago today, Andray Blatche played his last game for the Washington Wizards, which means that a year minus a day ago Blatche had almost eaten himself out of the NBA. Now he’s a valuable member of a playoff team and 13th in the entire league in PER, ahead of All-Star big men Chris Bosh, LaMarcus Aldridge and Tyson Chandler. It’s as weird to read that as to type it, I’m sure.

In obviously related news, Blatche is in a contract year. And when that next contract offer comes around in the summer, rather than enjoying the fruits of his best professional season and all the spoils that may entail, Blatche is going to use free agency to stick it to the team who deemed him too fat to play NBA basketball. From the New York Daily News:

Typically 7-footers in their prime are in high demand, and historically they get paid more than anybody expects. But here’s why Blatche cares less about money in his next contract: he’s still getting paid by the Wizards through the 2014-15 season because he was waived via the amnesty clause. So, according to the rules of the CBA, most of the money he earns through then on his next contract will go to Washington, the team he feels abandoned him last season.

Blatche even said that gives him incentive to take less money.

“If I get a lot (in my next contract), yeah, it’s going to take pressure off the Wizards,” he said. “But that’s why I’m not going to do that.”

And this, Wizards fans, is exactly why Andray Blatche told Washington he’d “be here forever lol.” Because even after two straight winning months, the end of the Knucklehead Era and with a top five defense in tow, they’re still going to be paying Andray Blatche millions of dollars to play good basketball for another team. To put it in his words, he truly could have the last lol.

(via Bullets Forever/The Brooklyn Game)

Still only the second most memorable bit of J.J. Redick trash talk that I’m aware of, but still nice work by the Wizards fans. Another 6,000 of these and they might be thinking playoffs.

(via PBT)