Archive for the ‘Washington Wizards’ Category

We all know the Wizards have had a rough go of it the past few decades. Three seasons with less than 20 wins since 1999, coaches eating at Subway, the gun stuff, the knee stuff, the other knee stuff, the other other knee stuff drafting Kwame Brown on purpose, having the worst ever version of Michael Jordan — you know, classic Wizards nonsense.

But I’m not sure things have ever been this bad. In yet another season where the Wiz are in last place and challenging the all-time record for futility, they’ve been so horrible that their players can’t even get excited about their own birthdays. From WUSA9.com:

Back on December 7th, Seraphin refused to celebrate his 23rd birthday out on the town, even with his roommate Taylor and girlfriend Allison pestering him that he deserved to have some fun. “We keep losing. I feel guilty to celebrate. Not this year,” said Seraphin in a frustrated tone.

This is so sad. Kevin Seraphin is so destroyed by the Wizards’ season that he can’t bring himself to enjoy his one and only 23rd birthday. You can’t get that back, you guys. 23 is a once in a lifetime celebration, but Kevin Seraphin had to literally say, “Not this year.” Truly heart-wrenching.

To make matters worse, the Wizards played on December 7, the very date of Seraphin’s big 2-3. Not surprisingly, they lost, dropping a road game to the Hawks to move to 2-14. Worst birthday ever.

Evidence For:

• He looks like he is in costume.
• The guy behind him definitely looks like he is in costume.
• His hair doesn’t usually look like Andrew Bynum’s.
• Owns a snake, so a costume kind of makes sense.

Evidence Against:

• This picture was posted six weeks after Halloween.
• Doesn’t appear to be dressed as a madrigal singer, so this would not be a seasonally appropriate costume.
• Hair appears to be attached to his head.

Verdict: Andrew Bynum costume.

How much would you pay to watch the Wizards play an NBA basketball game in person? Zero dollars? Me too, which is why this Craigslist deal is such a steal for us.

I guarantee a Wizards win tonight!

I am selling my two Wizards tickets tonight at $20 each. If the Wizards do not beat the Spurs, I will refund your money.

I guarantee a win for every Wizards win. See Below a list of the games and what your price would be per ticket. Of course if the Wizards dont win, your cost is ZIPPY.

ZIPPY, you guys. You can go to any Wizards home game you want for ZIPPY dollars. This is a tremendous deal, should you decide you want to watch an entire Wizards game in person and think you’ll be able to hunt down this random Craigslist person to get your money back.

And it’s not just tonight’s game against the Spurs either. You can snag this great deal for any of the Wizards’ 36 remaining home games, save for the Lakers game which has already been “sold.” Sure, it might cost you $150 up front to see the Heat live, but after they destroy the Wizards, you’re getting that money back. In all likelihood, the most you’re spending on Wizards tickets is probably going to be $50 for a pair of seats against the Hornets, though there’s a chance the Wizards squeak out a win against a better team and you’re left paying a ton of money to see a good team play terribly.

And that’s the genius of this scheme — not only is it a good way to rid yourself of Wizards tickets you don’t want to use while potentially scamming suckers out of money, there’s also an element of risk-reward here that is kind of fun. Yeah, you get to see the Clippers, but are you going to end up getting your money back at the end of the night? It’s a gamble, which then turns in to a double gamble because you’d be rooting hard against the home team in their arena.

Simply put, this deal is for daredevils only. It might seem like ZIPPY dollars now, but when the Wizards beat the Spurs tonight because all the Spurs’ old guys sit on the second night of a back-to-back after a double overtime victory, you just spent 40 bucks watching the Wizards play the Spurs’ second team. You’ve been warned.

(via Dan Steinberg)

The Washington Wizards have literally been comically bad the past few seasons. Whether it be challenging for the worst record ever in 2008-09, losing 25 straight road games during the 2010-11 season or employing the greatest collection of human memes in NBA history during the modern era, the Wizards have been one of the league’s go-to franchises for NBA futility.

But they’ve outdone themselves this season, starting the year off 0-9 to set the Washington record for worst start in franchise history. And even worse, they have turned their head coach, Randy Wittman, in to a babbling idiot. From the AP:

Wittman chose various ways to try to explain the Wizards’ problems Monday night during a 96-89 loss to the Indiana Pacers, then tried to stand up – somewhat – for his players.

”I believe these guys can win,” Wittman said. ”I don’t have any doubts. … I come in here every day, thinking this is the night. I feel good.”

Then he chuckled a bit, paused, and delivered the punch line: ”I might be dumb.”

Here is a sign that your season is not going very well — your coach thinks your team can win games but then reconsiders because he “might be dumb.” Yikes. That is arguably worse than your old coach admitting he eats Subway after every loss because he feels terrible about himself. Though when you consider that both of these coaches have been mentally destroyed by the Wizards in the same calendar year, I guess it’s just a toss-up.

I mean, things have gotten so bad that Randy Wittman has lost his cellphone, thinks the waiver wire is actually a number that you can call and doesn’t even know who should be playing in the first place.

”I don’t know who to start, who to play, who not to play,” Wittman said.

Sounding increasingly exasperated, he continued: ”I’m looking down the whole roster, and if I had a cellphone, I’d be calling the waiver wire, trying to find another body. I mean, I’m just searching right now, searching for people to give me consistency.”

Players often get labeled as coach killers after they get a head man fired, but the Washington Wizards are actual coach killers in the sense that they completely suck the life out of whoever is coaching them. If you are ever offered this job, just say no. It’s not worth it.

The Washington Wizards are 0-6, last in the league in offensive efficiency and just lost a game to the Charlotte Bobcats by 16 points where they shot a single game, league-wide worst from the field, making a pretty solid claim that they’re the worst team in the league. New look, new personnel, same terrible Wizards.

And that sameness even extends to all the silly things they do on the court. Even though their knuckleheadiest knuckleheads have been shipped out in order to give John Wall some teammates who are less wacky but still bad at basketball, something has rubbed off and the Wizards have managed to sustain their long run as the NBA’s most bloggable team. Last night was no different. From the Washington Post:

Late in the third quarter, reserve Jan Vesely drew a foul from Bobcats reserve Tyrus Thomas but Jordan Crawford tried to pull a fast one and stepped to the foul line instead. Crawford knocked down the first free throw, until the referees realized the mistake and sent Vesely to the line.

“Nothing against Jan. I was just trying to get as many points as we can because we was struggling to score,” said Crawford, who joked with the coaches on the Bobcats’ bench. “I was just saying, ‘I thought I got bumped on the play,’ making a little joke.”

But Vesely missed both free throws, which wasn’t very funny.

Now, as I’m sure you’ll remember, Jan Vesely airballed his first NBA free throw. And he hasn’t done much better since, shooting .532 from the line last season and starting this one by making just one of his first nine attempts. Plus, when you consider how bad the Wizards are on offense — they are literally the worst offensive team in NBA history right now — this is just a smart move by Jordan Crawford. Just because it is completely against the rules doesn’t mean it’s stupid.

Unfortunately for the Wizards, however, some people were actually paying attention to this game, referees included. You would think that a Wizard taking two free throws for a teammate who can’t shoot free throws during the third quarter of a game against the Bobcats in November would go undetected, but alas. Too bad, because this would have been the perfect crime.

(video via TruthAboutIt)