It'll be like this but on the 8-foot rim in my driveway.

It’ll be like this but on the 8-foot rim in my parents’ driveway.

Dear Barack Obama,

Dear Mr. President,

Dear Barry,

We’re not all that different, you and I. I think there’s a lot that you and I could talk about. Therefore, I am cordially inviting you to come to Toronto and watch March Madness with me. Bring Michelle.

We both filled out a bracket, we are both almost surely going to end up being so wrong we’ll be embarrassed to talk to our families for a few days because the stink of failure will still be seeping out of us. Our brackets will be put into the Museum of Failed Products. Our brackets will be looked upon not for their guile nor their gumption. We are brothers, Barry. Let’s share our failure. Failure loves company. Bring Michelle.

Look at our first rounds. Sure, the 1s are through, we’re not bold or brash enough to suggest a historic 16 seed upset. We are men of intelligence. Educated men. You picked Missouri over Colroado State. Know who else picked that in their bracket? This guy. Our midwest first round is the same because you and I are the same. Brothers in arms. Let’s go West where I have to take you up on your BSU/LaSalle pick over Kansas State. We all make a random upset pick in the first round, we know it’s coming, we just don’t know where to look but this is forced. We don’t even know who K-State is playing yet and you’re picking against the purple people eaters? What would Prince think? Always ask yourself what Prince would think. I know you do. Because I know you. Think how much fun it would be if we watched that game together and we laughed about how wrong one of us ends up being. It’d be great. Bring Michelle.

Going South I see that we both agreed on Oklahoma as a 10 seed upset. We could sing the soundtrack of the musical together. Biden must be in at least one jug band, he can provide the music. And probably the beer. In the East I like what you’re doing. Your pick of Syracuse was clearly made just for me because it’s basically part of Canada anyway and of course you picked my Butler Bulldogs to go through because you know how much I cared for them a few years back and you just want what’s best for me. Let’s celebrate Butler together. Bring Michelle.

In the round of 32 you’re backing up my theory that Michigan State is really good, you know they’re in my final four. I know you’re not putting them there but I appreciate you pushing them past Memphis so one of my four doesn’t go out super early. That’s the kind of camaraderie you just don’t see in dimestore friends. Ohio State obviously beats Notre Dame in the West, I’m glad we both have that. Can’t have Notre Dame having too much sporting success in a year because I wouldn’t deal with that very well. I know you feel the same way. I have Florida and Miami going through because I knew you would too and I wanted to back your presence in Florida. My bubbie likes to vacation there too and I know you need my people’s votes. I’ll make us lox and cream cheese nachos when you come by. Rahm and I broke the Yom Kippur fast with them. What? Crazy. They’re as delicious as they are insane. You’ll love them. Bring Michelle.

I know that your moving Duke to the elite eight is just good natured ribbing. You know I’d never do that purely out of spite. I know you’d only push them through as a way to irritate me. But it’s cool, I know you mean well and I know it’s just a joke. No hard feelings on eliminating Gonzaga, either. They’re the popular pick, I know you’re just trying to appeal to the underdog spirit. And you can’t let a team led by a Canadian go that far, gotta keep that nationalism alive and well. I’m not going to complain about it because I know you’ll be spending the tournament in Canada with me, anyway. We can take a tour of the CN Tower. Well, it’s not really a tour, it’s really just an elevator. But it goes up really high. Bring Michelle.

Louisville over Duke. There you go. I knew it was just a joke. You had me going for a second, Barry. Not going to let an insignificant nothing of a school like Duke get in between us. Our bond is stronger than that. And you have Indiana going all the way. I can’t say I fully agree with you there but I like the idea. This can add so much to our tournament. We can have a movie night and watch Hoosiers. I’ll get the sleeping bags from the garage, we’ll make a whole night of it. I microwave really good popcorn. You bring the hot chocolate? Cool? Cool. Glad we got that sorted out. You can teach me how to pull off gray hair like you do. I can teach you how to make sure you never lose your remote control. We bring so much to each other’s table. That’s why this works. This is going to be the best March Madness ever.

Bring Michelle.